Filipina Dating and Money Matters

One of my readers sent a question about his Filipina girlfriend and financial responsibilities/expectations. He is dating a young woman who works as an OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker) in another part of Asia. She gives most of what she makes to family and even friends that ask. His concern was what would be expected of him if ever he brings her to the USA (via spousal or financial visa).

I wrote about this a long time ago, but I figure this would be a good time to write a more detailed article about it. Let’s start with an introduction to Filipino families and money.

Filipino Culture and Sharing Money

Money typically flows in one direction in Western families–from older to younger. Parents raise their children, maybe put them through college, and then the kids will (hopefully) get jobs and start families of their own. Grandparents then spoil their grandchildren with gifts. It isn’t unusual these days for parents with grown children to continue giving a helping hand to them. That’s because some members of “Generation X” have ended up making less money than their parents (reversing the trend from previous decades).   But even this is part of the older-to-younger money flow.   There are exceptions to this, of course, but that’s the way it usually works.

It’s different in Filipino families. Parents are expected to support/raise children, but the children are often expected to contribute to the overall well being of the family once they are old enough to earn money (or once they finish college, etc.). This may mean helping siblings (or even other relatives) get through school and even sending money to make sure aged parents are taken care of. Filipinos have a sense of obligation called utang na loob–the idea is helping those who have helped you (even if it was their responsibility).

Filipinos also tend to have close ties with extended family members, and money can flow through these relationships as well. An aunt may support the studies of her nephew, and he may be expected to support his siblings once he has finished school. I think you get the idea.

This is the primary way families combat the high rate of poverty in the Philippines: they try to make sure no family member gets left behind. It’s a trait I admire, though sometimes it can be abused or cause family dysfunction (more on that later).

Learning to Compromise

Family is everything in Filipino culture, and a Filipina will want to make sure hers is doing well. You need to be aware of this and prepare to adapt to it if you want to date or marry a Filipina. But adaptation goes both ways–she will also have to adjust to your culture.

Here’s another way of putting it. You (the Westerner) need to be willing to help her family out financially. Asking her not to do this would be like asking you to disown your own children. She (the Filipina) will have to understand that your funds are limited and your primary responsibility is to your own immediate family (her and your children).

The way some couples handle this is the Filipina works and sends most of her income back to the Philippines while the (Western) husband supports the immediate family (the wife and children).   This is fine if you (the husband) make enough money without her help, but keep in mind that she may not be able to work immediately if she comes to your country on a fiancée visa. And there may be circumstances in which she can’t work (has a new baby, etc.).

Advice

Here are a few suggestions for navigating this issue:

Be sure you talk to your girlfriend or fiancée about this before you get married. This sounds like common sense, but some guys see a cute, young Pinay and forget that marriage requires hard work and communication. Both of you need 100% agreement and clarity on what would be expected of you in terms of financial support to her family. This may mean sending a monthly amount or putting her sibling(s) through college. It may simply mean sending a little money for Christmas or in case of emergencies. Whatever the arrangement, be sure both of you are clear on it.

Be ready for these boundaries to be tested. Her immediate family may be fine, but it isn’t uncommon for people to come out of the woodwork and ask for money once they find out your wife has made it to the “promised land.” Distant relatives may start thinking your wife can pay their bills. I know of a Filipina who started getting money requests from old high school classmates she hasn’t heard from in years once she moved to the States. Your wife will need to be prepared to say “no.” She needs to start practicing if it isn’t part of her vocabulary.

Beware of “toxic” families. As I mentioned, the Filipino system of sharing among families is admirable. But it can be really dysfunctional in some select cases. You may encounter some families in which members feel they are entitled to part of every dollar their son/daughter (or nephew, grandchild, etc.) makes. It’s often referred to as “crab mentality”: the one family member with some form of stable income ends up getting dragged down by everyone else.  This kind of family will probably make your life miserable–especially if your wife has grown up believing it is normal and doesn’t know how to have reasonable boundaries.

Money management will make or break any marriage and yours will not be the exception.  Keep this advice in mind and it will go a long way towards helping you make good decisions.

Filipina Dating a Foreigner: The Five Greatest Challenges

Wedding_rings

I am extremely happy with the life that my Filipina wife and I have together.  I can’t imagine being with anyone else or being married to someone of my own race/culture.  Our love is a beautiful thing that has enhanced my life in ways I could never fully describe.

But I never want to present being married to a Pinay as some kind of panacea or fairy tale.  All marriages require work, and mine is no exception.  Marrying a woman from the Philippines, in fact, will come with some unique challenges that you wouldn’t face if you just dated someone from your own country.  Here are a few that come to mind:

Challenge #1: Choosing with Limited Information

This isn’t always a big factor for those of us who have spent time in the Philippines and dated while living/visiting there.  But most Filipino-American couples first meet online.  Usually this means the man joined a dating website (like Christian Filipina–the one I recommend), met a pretty Filipina, and started communicating via email and chat.  This works out well for most of the couples that I’ve met, but it is arguably more risky than being able to meet/date in more traditional or conventional ways.  In other words, the men usually have to make a decision based on very limited face-to-face time with their girlfriends.

Challenge #2: The Visa Process

Let’s say you do find a great woman (as so many do) and are 100% sure you want to marry her.  The next challenge is enduring the process of getting her spousal/fiancee visa so she can move to your country and (eventually) become a citizen there.  The process is doable but it does require a lot of patience on your part.  The government agencies involved get your tax dollars regardless of their inefficiencies and can be frustrating to deal with.  I have recommended a service to help you do things correctly, but it takes a few months even under the best circumstances.

Challenge #3: The Distance

The most difficult thing about being married to a Filipina is you are always going to be far away from either her family or yours.  This usually means being far from hers because of the better opportunities available in America (or other Western countries).  There are exceptions–guys who decide to live as expats in the Philippines.  Either way you’re going to live halfway across the world from someone’s family.  Family ties are extremely important in the Filipino culture, so you can imagine how difficult this can be.  Being able to chat via Skype does help, but the dilemma is still there regardless.

Challenge #4: Money Issues

Money issues are probably the biggest cause of divorce worldwide. This issue can be especially challenging if you’re married to a Filipina because sharing resources with family members is deeply ingrained in Filipino culture.  This is a potential source of conflict if the husband and wife don’t have good communication with each other or healthy boundaries with family members back in the Philippines.  The couple has to find a balance of sharing with family while making sure they are not putting themselves in a bad financial situation.

Challenge #5 Cultural Differences

A Filipina and a Westerner have grown up in two completely different cultural contexts.  Their respective worldviews have been shaped by factors that go back centuries.  This can also be a source of conflict if one of them is xenophobic or can’t learn how to be open to another point of view.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

These are just a few of the most significant challenges that come to mind when I think of my own marriage and the other couples that my wife and I have met.  Here’s the good news: I can honestly say it has been 100% worth it for me.  I think there’s a good chance you’ll feel the same way, but be sure you are going into any relationship with eyes wide open.

Filipinas and Black Men

Let’s say you are an African-American man who is interested in finding love in the question-mark-lovePhilippines.  You may be wondering if you have a chance of winning a Filipina’s heart.  I’ll do my best to answer that question.

As I’ve mentioned before (see: Filipina Beauty), people in the Philippines tend to prefer Caucasian physical characteristics, such as a pointy nose, blue eyes, and light skin.  They avoid sun exposure (for fear of getting darker) and spend a lot of money on “skin whitening” products. Some of the most popular celebrities are half Caucasian.  This is simply the way it is right now.

But that doesn’t mean an African-American has no chance.  I’ve met quite a few black men who are happily married to Filipina women (almost all the ones I’ve met are retired military guys).  One of my readers (a retired black gentleman) recently let me know he’s had a really good response to his profile on a dating website.

So I would never discourage anyone, regardless of skin color, from looking for love in the Philippines.  I would offer a few tips:

*Be sure to post your profile picture.  You want to know upfront if the one you are chatting with is really open to you.

*This may sound obvious, but I would encourage you to ignore profiles that express a preference for white men only.  Don’t waste your time trying to convince someone who is not open-minded.

*Visit the Philippines if at all possible.  I think you’ll find that Filipinos are very warm and friendly to all regardless of skin color.