Dating a Married Filipina: not a good idea

Should you consider dating or getting romantically involved with a woman from the Philippines who is “separated”–not living with her husband but still legally married?

Here’s the short answer: I would strongly advise against such relationships as of right now. This type of “relationship” will prove to be a dead end that will leave you wasting time, money, and may just break your heart.

An introduction to the Married Filipina’s dillemma

The Philippines, as of the time of this writing, is the only country in the world where legal divorce does not exist.

That probably sounds crazy if you, like me, grew up in the West where divorce is commonplace. Most of us went to school with kids whose parents were divorced (or grew up in that kind of home ourselves). We have family members that were divorced. Heck–you may have been through a divorce yourself and are looking to start over with a woman from the Philippines.

I get it: dating a woman who was once married isn’t such a big deal if you grew up in a typical Western country. Some people have better success after the hard lessons learned from a failed marriage.

But don’t expect a happy ending if you get involved with a woman from the Philippines who is still legally married.

I’ll explain how this typically works. Let’s say a couple gets married and for whatever reason they decide to call it quits (she will not tolerate his womanizing or they just can’t get along for some other reason). They really only have one possible legal recourse: annulment.

Annulment means that a legal marriage never existed. Here in the West an annulment is typically granted when a couple hasn’t been together very long (like Britney Spears’ infamous 55-hour “marriage”). Needless to say, an annulment is very difficult to execute if someone has been with his/her spouse for years.

Here are the circumstances under which an annulment can be granted according to the law of the Philippines:

1. Absence of Parental Consent. A marriage was solemnized and one or the other party was eighteen (18) years of age or over but below twenty-one (21) and consent was not given by the parents, guardian or person having substitute parental authority.
2. Mental Illness or psychological incapacity.
3. Fraud. That the consent of either party was obtained by fraud, unless such party once having knowledge of the fraud freely cohabited with the other as husband and wife.
4. That the consent of either party was obtained by force, intimidation or undue influence.
5. One or the other party was physically incapable of consummating the marriage, and such incapacity continues and appears to be incurable.
6. Either party was at the time of marriage afflicted with a sexually-transmitted-disease (STD) found to be serious and seems to be incurable.

That’s the letter of the law. Here’s how it works out in real life: most annulments in the Philippines are based on that second circumstance “psychological incapacity”–the idea is that one person didn’t know what he/she was doing when he/she got married. It seems like most of these cases are a sham, but I presume it is the easiest reason to prove from a legal standpoint (maybe pay off a psychologist to testify–who knows).

Such annulments are incredibly expensive (3,000 to 15,000 dollars) and may take years to complete. It is not unusual to hear of judges being bribed for such annulments.

Put all these factors together and you can see that an annulment is something that’s usually only available to the rich, famous, and powerful. The expensive, time-consuming process is simply not an option for most citizens of the Philippines.

What is the average Filipina or Filipino to do when their marriages fail? Most of them just live separately. They may file for legal separation, but that will not give either one the right to remarry. They may cohabitate with someone new and even start a second family. I’ve lost count of the number of people I met in the Philippines in this situation.

The Married Filipina and the new boyfriend

That’s where you may unfortunately come into the picture. The separated Filipina begins chatting online with some guy from the West. She’s lonely and wants to try something new in terms of relationships. Some guy finds her attractive/interesting and begins some form of relationship. It’s not hard to imagine this scenario because she may be younger and more beautiful than any of his prospects in the West. Before he knows it he is deeply emotionally invested–entangled in something that will not end well.

What he doesn’t realize is that this is a dead end on many levels. She may convince him to shell out thousands of dollars for an annulment that may not be successful (or may just use the annulment as a scam to ask for money).

He will waste time, money, and emotions that could have been spent on a woman with whom he could build a real future.

The consequences can go beyond a broken heart and wallet. Adultery is a punishable legal crime in the Philippines. There are cases where Western men have become involved with married Filipinas and the estranged husband files legal charges for adultery (even if he’s been out of the picture for years). One or both “offenders” can face jail time for this–this includes you if you are charged while visiting or living in the Philippines. This can even be a means of extorting money from you (the woman may even be in on it in some cases).

Just in case you think it couldn’t get any worse, the Philippines has a “crime of passion” law (Article 247 of the Revised Penal Code) that potentially protects someone who murders his/her spouse while catching them “in the act” of adultery. This scenario is highly unlikely (and the law itself is controversial), but it yet another risk involved with the married Filipina.

My recommendation

What do I recommend? Find a single Filipina! With thousands of beautiful single Filipinas to chose from, why take the risk of such a heartache? I always recommend the Christian Filipina website as a way to meet good women.

How can you be 100% sure she’s single? You can ask, of course, and you can just watch out for any “red flags” that she’s not telling you the truth. Let’s say, for example, that she seems resistant to you meeting her family–that may be a sign that she’s hiding something.

But if push comes to shove you can ask for legal verification–you could tell her you’ve been burned before and want proof that she’s single. The Philippines has a legal database of everyone’s marital status. You ask her for a form called a CENOMAR (certificate of no marriage). You could send her the money to pay for it (only about 200 pesos). You might even be able to order this for her online and just ask her to scan and show you the copy. Just be sure her name matches exactly what you see on her other ID’s.

I’ll add one final note here: the Philippines is considering a bill that would allow divorce. Does this change my mind about anything I’ve written? Not one bit! I’ve spent a lot of time in the Philippines and seen divorce bills talked about and debated for decades. This time it may be different, but there is simply no guarantee that divorce will be legal in the Philippines anytime soon.