Category: General Information

Age Gap Relationships Philippines

Why do women from the Philippines chose older men?

Ask this question on any type of interactive format and you’ll probably get one overly simplistic answer about money. But the real answer is not nearly that simple. I’ll do my best to give you a more thoughtful and informed response.

Let’s back away from the topic of the Philippines for a minute and just talk about history as well as the nature of men and women.

A Western reader will likely consider any age gap over about 5 years in a couple to be unusual. But men have historically married women who are significantly younger. In other words, our idea that men and women should be of similar age is not how the world has worked historically.

One ancient that comes to my mind is the biblical narrative of Rebekah and Isaac. The Bible doesn’t specify Rebekah’s age other than to say she was beautiful and old enough to be married (Genesis 24:16). Isaac was 40 when he married Rebekah (Genesis 25:20). A significant age gap can be inferred from this account.

Men and women have historically looked for different qualities in a romantic partner.

Men have always been attracted to youth, beauty, and purity. That doesn’t mean these physical characteristics are all men look for, but they have always been significant factors in why men chose the women they do.

Women, on the other hand, are hypergamous by nature. This means they have historically been attracted to men of higher wealth/status. They want men who can provide them with financial security and stability. A man can make up for a lack of physical attractiveness or youth by being financially successful.

I realize that what I’ve shared here is a very simplified version of things, but I think you’ll find it to be true. Men typically don’t care how much money a woman makes. Men typically don’t care that much about her educational status (intelligence matters, of course, but intelligence and educational attainment aren’t always the same thing). Women, on the other hand, almost universally want a man that can provide financially.

I’m writing all of this to give you some perspective. The same Western women who hatefully call Filipinas “gold-diggers” are probably not lining up to date men who are broke and living in their parents’ basement.

My Experience with Women in the Philippines

I noticed a difference in my dating options the very first time I visited the Philippines. I was in my 30’s and noticed that women in their 20’s (even early 20’s) were more than willing date me without hesitation—women 10 years (or more) younger than I. Keep in mind that I’ve always been in pretty good physical shape and I’m at least average looking (even now people tend to think I’m younger than my actual age). Regardless, my options were drastically improved compared to the dating scene back in my home country.

I eventually married a woman who is significantly younger (around 15 years). I didn’t necessarily plan to marry so much younger, but I was in my late 30’s and still wanted a family. Marrying a woman my own age would have meant a “geriatric pregnancy” for her. Marrying younger meant that we didn’t have to be concerned with those risks when having kids.

RECOMMENDED: I recommend Christian Filipina for those who are serious about finding love in the Philippines.

Most of the Filipino-American couples we have met here in the West have similar age gaps to my wife and me (though not all). The Filipinas are usually not materialistic but were open to marrying an older man who could offer love, faithfulness and stability.

One more thing: I have also encountered age gap relationships between Filipinas and Filipino men. I have a good friend in the Philippines that is married to a girl almost 20 years his junior. He’s not rich or famous. He’s just a guy who found himself single for longer than most and found a nice girl. Such a relationship would be almost unheard of in the West, but not in the Philippines. Women in the Philippines just aren’t as hung up about age gaps.

Practical Considerations:

Does this mean that all age gap relationships in the Philippines work out well? Unfortunately, no. There are cases in which a Western man comes to the Philippines, falls for a pretty young Filipina builds her a house, then ends up losing it all. I’ve even seen videos of expats that are living on the streets after having something like this happen.

There are other cases in which a man brings a woman from the Philippines to the States and finds that she is constantly demanding money for herself and her family.

Finding a wife in the Philippines involves the same kind of vetting that you would need to do almost anywhere. I would first advise you to take things slow and get to know the woman that you are considering for a long-term relationship. Learn about her family, her values, and her expectations for your relationship. I believe some of the Western men who fall for toxic Filipinas just moved too fast because they were surprised to be noticed by a younger woman. They may have noticed warning signs if they had just taken some time. They would have also seen that there are plenty of good women in the Philippines and that there was no need to jump at the first relationship opportunity.

I would also encourage you to be realistic. In other words, the larger the age gap, the more cautious you need to be. A 40-year-old man marrying a 25-year-old is different than a 65-year-old man marrying a 25-year-old. The larger the age gap, the more conscientious you also need to be about it. The more you need to be concerned with her true intentions. You have to consider, for example, the likelihood that you (the older partner) will die before your wife does.

Age Gap Relationships in the Philippines: Conclusion

Most Filipinas, based on my experience, want what all women have historically wanted: they want to marry a man who can take care of them. But, unlike their Western counterparts, they tend to value older men because of their stability (which includes financial stability) and maturity.

Note: I recommend the Christian Filipina Dating website if you are looking to find a quality woman from the Philippines.

RECOMMENDED: REMITLY

Dating a Married Filipina: not a good idea

Should you consider dating or getting romantically involved with a woman from the Philippines who is “separated”–not living with her husband but still legally married?

Here’s the short answer: I would strongly advise against such relationships as of right now. This type of “relationship” will prove to be a dead end that will leave you wasting time, money, and may just break your heart.

An introduction to the Married Filipina’s dillemma

The Philippines, as of the time of this writing, is the only country in the world where legal divorce does not exist.

That probably sounds crazy if you, like me, grew up in the West where divorce is commonplace. Most of us went to school with kids whose parents were divorced (or grew up in that kind of home ourselves). We have family members that were divorced. Heck–you may have been through a divorce yourself and are looking to start over with a woman from the Philippines.

I get it: dating a woman who was once married isn’t such a big deal if you grew up in a typical Western country. Some people have better success after the hard lessons learned from a failed marriage.

But don’t expect a happy ending if you get involved with a woman from the Philippines who is still legally married.

I’ll explain how this typically works. Let’s say a couple gets married and for whatever reason they decide to call it quits (she will not tolerate his womanizing or they just can’t get along for some other reason). They really only have one possible legal recourse: annulment.

Annulment means that a legal marriage never existed. Here in the West an annulment is typically granted when a couple hasn’t been together very long (like Britney Spears’ infamous 55-hour “marriage”). Needless to say, an annulment is very difficult to execute if someone has been with his/her spouse for years.

Here are the circumstances under which an annulment can be granted according to the law of the Philippines:

  1. Absence of Parental Consent. A marriage was solemnized and one or the other party was eighteen (18) years of age or over but below twenty-one (21) and consent was not given by the parents, guardian or person having substitute parental authority.
  2. Mental Illness or psychological incapacity.
  3. Fraud. That the consent of either party was obtained by fraud, unless such party once having knowledge of the fraud freely cohabited with the other as husband and wife.
  4. That the consent of either party was obtained by force, intimidation or undue influence.
  5. One or the other party was physically incapable of consummating the marriage, and such incapacity continues and appears to be incurable.
  6. Either party was at the time of marriage afflicted with a sexually-transmitted-disease (STD) found to be serious and seems to be incurable.

That’s the letter of the law. Here’s how it works out in real life: most annulments in the Philippines are based on that second circumstance “psychological incapacity”–the idea is that one person didn’t know what he/she was doing when he/she got married. It seems like most of these cases are a sham, but I presume it is the easiest reason to prove from a legal standpoint (maybe pay off a psychologist to testify–who knows).

Such annulments are incredibly expensive (3,000 to 15,000 dollars) and may take years to complete. It is not unusual to hear of judges being bribed for such annulments.

Put all these factors together and you can see that an annulment is something that’s usually only available to the rich, famous, and powerful. The expensive, time-consuming process is simply not an option for most citizens of the Philippines.

What is the average Filipina or Filipino to do when their marriages fail? Most of them just live separately. They may file for legal separation, but that will not give either one the right to remarry. They may cohabitate with someone new and even start a second family. I’ve lost count of the number of people I met in the Philippines in this situation.

RECOMMENDED: I recommend Christian Filipina for those who are serious about finding love in the Philippines.

The Married Filipina and the new boyfriend

That’s where you may unfortunately come into the picture. The separated Filipina begins chatting online with some guy from the West. She’s lonely and wants to try something new in terms of relationships. Some guy finds her attractive/interesting and begins some form of relationship. It’s not hard to imagine this scenario because she may be younger and more beautiful than any of his prospects in the West. Before he knows it he is deeply emotionally invested–entangled in something that will not end well.

What he doesn’t realize is that this is a dead end on many levels. She may convince him to shell out thousands of dollars for an annulment that may not be successful (or may just use the annulment as a scam to ask for money).

He will waste time, money, and emotions that could have been spent on a woman with whom he could build a real future.

The consequences can go beyond a broken heart and wallet. Adultery is a punishable legal crime in the Philippines. There are cases where Western men have become involved with married Filipinas and the estranged husband files legal charges for adultery (even if he’s been out of the picture for years). One or both “offenders” can face jail time for this–this includes you if you are charged while visiting or living in the Philippines. This can even be a means of extorting money from you (the woman may even be in on it in some cases).

Just in case you think it couldn’t get any worse, the Philippines has a “crime of passion” law (Article 247 of the Revised Penal Code) that potentially protects someone who murders his/her spouse while catching them “in the act” of adultery. This scenario is highly unlikely (and the law itself is controversial), but it yet another risk involved with the married Filipina.

My recommendation

What do I recommend? Find a single Filipina! With thousands of beautiful single Filipinas to chose from, why take the risk of such a heartache? I always recommend the Christian Filipina website as a way to meet good women.

How can you be 100% sure she’s single? You can ask, of course, and you can just watch out for any “red flags” that she’s not telling you the truth. Let’s say, for example, that she seems resistant to you meeting her family–that may be a sign that she’s hiding something.

But if push comes to shove you can ask for legal verification–you could tell her you’ve been burned before and want proof that she’s single. The Philippines has a legal database of everyone’s marital status. You ask her for a form called a CENOMAR (certificate of no marriage). You could send her the money to pay for it (only about 200 pesos). You might even be able to order this for her online and just ask her to scan and show you the copy. Just be sure her name matches exactly what you see on her other ID’s.

I’ll add one final note here: the Philippines is considering a bill that would allow divorce. Does this change my mind about anything I’ve written? Not one bit! I’ve spent a lot of time in the Philippines and seen divorce bills talked about and debated for decades. This time it may be different, but there is simply no guarantee that divorce will be legal in the Philippines anytime soon.

Filipina Dating/Marriage and Money Matters

One of my readers sent a question about his Filipina girlfriend and financial responsibilities/expectations. He is dating a young woman who works as an OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker) in another part of Asia. She gives most of what she makes to family and even friends that ask. His concern was what would be expected of him if ever he brings her to the USA (via spousal or financial visa).

I wrote about this a long time ago, but I figure this would be a good time to write a more detailed article about it. Let’s start with an introduction to Filipino families and money.

Filipino Culture and Sharing Money

Money typically flows in one direction in Western families–from older to younger. Parents raise their children, maybe put them through college, and then the kids will (hopefully) get jobs and start families of their own. Grandparents then spoil their grandchildren with gifts. It isn’t unusual these days for parents with grown children to continue giving a helping hand to them. That’s because some members of “Generation X” have ended up making less money than their parents (reversing the trend from previous decades).   But even this is part of the older-to-younger money flow.   There are exceptions to this, of course, but that’s the way it usually works.

It’s different in Filipino families. Parents are expected to support/raise children, but the children are often expected to contribute to the overall well being of the family once they are old enough to earn money (or once they finish college, etc.). This may mean helping siblings (or even other relatives) get through school and even sending money to make sure aged parents are taken care of. Filipinos have a sense of obligation called utang na loob–the idea is helping those who have helped you (even if it was their responsibility).

Filipinos also tend to have close ties with extended family members, and money can flow through these relationships as well. An aunt may support the studies of her nephew, and he may be expected to support his siblings once he has finished school. I think you get the idea.

This is the primary way families combat the high rate of poverty in the Philippines: they try to make sure no family member gets left behind. It’s a trait I admire, though sometimes it can be abused or cause family dysfunction (more on that later).

Learning to Compromise

Family is everything in Filipino culture, and a Filipina will want to make sure hers is doing well. You need to be aware of this and prepare to adapt to it if you want to date or marry a Filipina. But adaptation goes both ways–she will also have to adjust to your culture.

Here’s another way of putting it. You (the Westerner) need to be willing to help her family out financially. Asking her not to do this would be like asking you to disown your own children. She (the Filipina) will have to understand that your funds are limited and your primary responsibility is to your own immediate family (her and your children).

The way some couples handle this is the Filipina works and sends most of her income back to the Philippines while the (Western) husband supports the immediate family (the wife and children).   This is fine if you (the husband) make enough money without her help, but keep in mind that she may not be able to work immediately if she comes to your country on a fiancée visa. And there may be circumstances in which she can’t work (has a new baby, etc.).

Advice

Here are a few suggestions for navigating this issue:

Be sure you talk to your girlfriend or fiancée about this before you get married. This sounds like common sense, but some guys see a cute, young Pinay and forget that marriage requires hard work and communication. Both of you need 100% agreement and clarity on what would be expected of you in terms of financial support to her family. This may mean sending a monthly amount or putting her sibling(s) through college. It may simply mean sending a little money for Christmas or in case of emergencies. Whatever the arrangement, be sure both of you are clear on it.

Be ready for these boundaries to be tested. Her immediate family may be fine, but it isn’t uncommon for people to come out of the woodwork and ask for money once they find out your wife has made it to the “promised land.” Distant relatives may start thinking your wife can pay their bills. I know of a Filipina who started getting money requests from old high school classmates she hasn’t heard from in years once she moved to the States. Your wife will need to be prepared to say “no.” She needs to start practicing if it isn’t part of her vocabulary.

Beware of “toxic” families. As I mentioned, the Filipino system of sharing among families is admirable. But it can be really dysfunctional in some select cases. You may encounter some families in which members feel they are entitled to part of every dollar their son/daughter (or nephew, grandchild, etc.) makes. It’s often referred to as “crab mentality”: the one family member with some form of stable income ends up getting dragged down by everyone else.  This kind of family will probably make your life miserable–especially if your wife has grown up believing it is normal and doesn’t know how to have reasonable boundaries.

Money management will make or break any marriage and yours will not be the exception.  Keep this advice in mind and it will go a long way towards helping you make good decisions.