Marriage – Filipina Dating; Filipino Women

Dating a Married Filipina: not a good idea

Should you consider dating or getting romantically involved with a woman from the Philippines who is “separated”–not living with her husband but still legally married?

Here’s the short answer: I would strongly advise against such relationships as of right now. This type of “relationship” will prove to be a dead end that will leave you wasting time, money, and may just break your heart.

An introduction to the Married Filipina’s dillemma

The Philippines, as of the time of this writing, is the only country in the world where legal divorce does not exist.

That probably sounds crazy if you, like me, grew up in the West where divorce is commonplace. Most of us went to school with kids whose parents were divorced (or grew up in that kind of home ourselves). We have family members that were divorced. Heck–you may have been through a divorce yourself and are looking to start over with a woman from the Philippines.

I get it: dating a woman who was once married isn’t such a big deal if you grew up in a typical Western country. Some people have better success after the hard lessons learned from a failed marriage.

But don’t expect a happy ending if you get involved with a woman from the Philippines who is still legally married.

I’ll explain how this typically works. Let’s say a couple gets married and for whatever reason they decide to call it quits (she will not tolerate his womanizing or they just can’t get along for some other reason). They really only have one possible legal recourse: annulment.

Annulment means that a legal marriage never existed. Here in the West an annulment is typically granted when a couple hasn’t been together very long (like Britney Spears’ infamous 55-hour “marriage”). Needless to say, an annulment is very difficult to execute if someone has been with his/her spouse for years.

Here are the circumstances under which an annulment can be granted according to the law of the Philippines:

Absence of Parental Consent. A marriage was solemnized and one or the other party was eighteen (18) years of age or over but below twenty-one (21) and consent was not given by the parents, guardian or person having substitute parental authority.
Mental Illness or psychological incapacity.
Fraud. That the consent of either party was obtained by fraud, unless such party once having knowledge of the fraud freely cohabited with the other as husband and wife.
That the consent of either party was obtained by force, intimidation or undue influence.
One or the other party was physically incapable of consummating the marriage, and such incapacity continues and appears to be incurable.
Either party was at the time of marriage afflicted with a sexually-transmitted-disease (STD) found to be serious and seems to be incurable.

That’s the letter of the law. Here’s how it works out in real life: most annulments in the Philippines are based on that second circumstance “psychological incapacity”–the idea is that one person didn’t know what he/she was doing when he/she got married. It seems like most of these cases are a sham, but I presume it is the easiest reason to prove from a legal standpoint (maybe pay off a psychologist to testify–who knows).

Such annulments are incredibly expensive (3,000 to 15,000 dollars) and may take years to complete. It is not unusual to hear of judges being bribed for such annulments.

Put all these factors together and you can see that an annulment is something that’s usually only available to the rich, famous, and powerful. The expensive, time-consuming process is simply not an option for most citizens of the Philippines.

What is the average Filipina or Filipino to do when their marriages fail? Most of them just live separately. They may file for legal separation, but that will not give either one the right to remarry. They may cohabitate with someone new and even start a second family. I’ve lost count of the number of people I met in the Philippines in this situation.

RECOMMENDED: I recommend Christian Filipina for those who are serious about finding love in the Philippines.

The Married Filipina and the new boyfriend

That’s where you may unfortunately come into the picture. The separated Filipina begins chatting online with some guy from the West. She’s lonely and wants to try something new in terms of relationships. Some guy finds her attractive/interesting and begins some form of relationship. It’s not hard to imagine this scenario because she may be younger and more beautiful than any of his prospects in the West. Before he knows it he is deeply emotionally invested–entangled in something that will not end well.

What he doesn’t realize is that this is a dead end on many levels. She may convince him to shell out thousands of dollars for an annulment that may not be successful (or may just use the annulment as a scam to ask for money).

He will waste time, money, and emotions that could have been spent on a woman with whom he could build a real future.

The consequences can go beyond a broken heart and wallet. Adultery is a punishable legal crime in the Philippines. There are cases where Western men have become involved with married Filipinas and the estranged husband files legal charges for adultery (even if he’s been out of the picture for years). One or both “offenders” can face jail time for this–this includes you if you are charged while visiting or living in the Philippines. This can even be a means of extorting money from you (the woman may even be in on it in some cases).

Just in case you think it couldn’t get any worse, the Philippines has a “crime of passion” law (Article 247 of the Revised Penal Code) that potentially protects someone who murders his/her spouse while catching them “in the act” of adultery. This scenario is highly unlikely (and the law itself is controversial), but it yet another risk involved with the married Filipina.

My recommendation

What do I recommend? Find a single Filipina! With thousands of beautiful single Filipinas to chose from, why take the risk of such a heartache? I always recommend the Christian Filipina website as a way to meet good women.

How can you be 100% sure she’s single? You can ask, of course, and you can just watch out for any “red flags” that she’s not telling you the truth. Let’s say, for example, that she seems resistant to you meeting her family–that may be a sign that she’s hiding something.

But if push comes to shove you can ask for legal verification–you could tell her you’ve been burned before and want proof that she’s single. The Philippines has a legal database of everyone’s marital status. You ask her for a form called a CENOMAR (certificate of no marriage). You could send her the money to pay for it (only about 200 pesos). You might even be able to order this for her online and just ask her to scan and show you the copy. Just be sure her name matches exactly what you see on her other ID’s.

I’ll add one final note here: the Philippines is considering a bill that would allow divorce. Does this change my mind about anything I’ve written? Not one bit! I’ve spent a lot of time in the Philippines and seen divorce bills talked about and debated for decades. This time it may be different, but there is simply no guarantee that divorce will be legal in the Philippines anytime soon.

RECOMMENDED: REMITLY

Filipino American Marriage Success Rate

What is the real success rate of marriages between American men and Filipinas? Let’s look at some of the facts.

Before we go further, have you heard that half of all marriages end in divorce? I know I have, and I used to believe that was true–I heard it repeated so many times that I just assumed marriages only had a 50/50 shot. That’s quite a terrifying proposition: get married and you have a 50% chance of splitting up, going to divorce court, paying alimony for the rest of your life, and let’s not forget child support.

But it turns out the divorce rate truth is much more complicated. Here’s the problem: the “half of all marriages end in divorce” idea came from comparing the number of marriages in a given year to the number of divorces. That may seem like the way to do it, but here’s the problem: the people who get divorces in any year aren’t the same ones who got married. In other words, the total number of divorces any year come from several previous years of marriages. No wonder it seems like so many marriages fail–we’ve based our ideas on bad math.

Measuring the actual divorce rate is tricky, and I’m not sure that there is an easy, accurate way to do it. Most of the estimates I see is somewhere around 30-35% of American marriages will end in a divorce. The rate has actually gone down in America for the past few decades because fewer people are getting married, people are marrying later, and a lot of other factors I won’t go into.

Filipina and American Marriages: The Data

So, what are the statistical chances of a marriage between a Filipina and an American ending in divorce? I have had a hard time finding good, up-to-date information. A long time ago I remember reading that marriages between Americans and Filipinas are more successful (less likely to end in divorce). In other words, an American man that marries a Filipina is less likely to experience a divorce than if he marries someone from his own country. Was this information correct, or was it just as mistaken as the idea that half of all marriages end in divorce?

There does seem to be some data to support the idea of hte high marital success rate of Filipinas and Americans. Here’s something I found from the mid-90’s on an immigration website:

According to a report from the Commission on Filipinos Overseas (see “Data from Filipino women and intermarriages” by Catherine Paredes-Maceda in Asian Migrant 8.4, 1995), mail-order brides constitute 10 percent of the marriages between Filipinos and foreign nationals. Between 1989 and 1994, 95,000 Filipino men and women were engaged to be married to foreigners, the great majority of whom met their partners through work or personal introductions. Of the foreign men who marry Filipinos, 44 percent are U.S. citizens.

On the basis of these data, it would appear that about 2,000 Filipino women find husbands each year through the agencies, 800 of whom marry Americans.

Based on published material from the agencies, similar numbers apply to women from Russia, Latin America, and other areas; i.e., 10 percent find husbands, of whom 40 to 50 percent are U.S. citizens.

Again, based largely on data supplied by the agencies themselves (along with the Commission on Filipinos Overseas report), marriages arranged through the mail-order services would appear to have a lower divorce rate than the nation as a whole, fully 80 percent of these marriages having lasted over the years for which reports are available.

If these statistics are accurate and still true, it means that marriages between Filipinas and American men had a lower divorce rate than marriages between two Americans in the past. I don’t see any reason to assume things have changed that much (based on what I know about Filipino culture, which I’ll explain next).

Filipino Culture and Marriage

What factors would tend to make a Filipino-American marriage more successful? Here are a few reasons, based on my observations and time in the Philippines. Keep in mind that these are very general statements–there are always exceptions to the rules.

There is currently no divorce in the Philippines. The Philippines and the Vatican are the only two sovereign states in the world with no divorce. The only way to dissolve a marriage is through the process of annulment, which means legally establishing that a marriage never existed. Most “annulments” in the Philippines are really just divorces by another name. Annulment is a very expensive and lengthy process, which is why I advise men to think twice before getting involved with a woman from the Philippines who is “separated.”

RECOMMENDED: I recommend Christian Filipina for those who are serious about finding love in the Philippines.

There is a movement to legalize divorce in the Philippines. I do not know if it will ever materialize, but several legislators have proposed changing the law to allow for divorce. My mind may change, but I am not optimistic about seeing these new changes in the law become reality.

That’s not to say that all marriages in the Philippines work out–marriages fail and people separate. But the law is, in part, a reflection of the Filipino culture. Filipinos have a high view of marriage and go into it with the idea of staying together for life–that’s their only option (for now, at least).

Filipinas value marriage and keeping the family together. As I’ve said on this blog several times, family is everything in Filipino culture. Filipinas tend to believe that the wife should do everything in her power to keep the family together–especially if children are involved. They will think about how their decisions affect everyone–not just themselves.

The importance of family goes beyond the immediate family. A Filipina will likely consider what her parents and relatives will think of her decisions. In other words, leaving a good, stable man would be frowned upon by those whose opinion matters to her. She would be ashamed to tell her parents or other family members that she pursued a separation/divorce because she “was not happy” or “fell out of love.” The mindset and attitude of people in the Philippines is different–it is less individualistic. Filipinos (and Asians in general) have more of a group orientation that Westerners do.

I will add something here: there is a dark side to the Filipina’s loyalty: I’ve seen it get abused. I have noticed that Filipina wives tend to tolerate behavior that Western women would not. She may put up with a cheating husband, for example, as long has he continues to support and come home to his family. She would be heartbroken, of course, but she might endure treatment that a Western woman would not. To be clear, I hate adultery and I would never do something to hurt my wife (I sincerely hope you have the same attitude about the commitment of marriage). But I’m sharing this just to demonstrate how deeply ingrained this cultural value is in the minds and hearts of the women of the Philippines.

Filipino culture has a value called “utang na loob.” This term is difficult to translate with precision, but it means a “debt of gratitude.” The idea is that if someone does something for you, you should do everything in your power to return the favor.

What does this have to do with faithfulness in marriage? Well, an American man goes through considerable expense to bring a Filipina to the States. He will probably provide her with a standard of living that she would never have in the Philippines (there are exceptions, but I am speaking in general terms). For her to divorce him without good reason would be a form of ingratitude.

Just to be clear, I am not saying that all women of the Philippines would see things this way. But most Filipinas would have a deep sense of appreciate for being given a stable, secure life that she may not have otherwise.

The immigration/citizenship process is lengthy. In other words, the narrative of the Filipina running off after she becomes a U.S. Citizen (or gets her green card) isn’t quite as simple as some make it sound. Yes, it happens, but it probably doesn’t happen as often as you think.

I’ll explain this a little more:

The process from spousal or fiancee visa to US citizen takes at least 3-4 years–this is if you are fortunate enough to get through the process with no delays. I can tell you from personal experience (as described on this blog) that the visa process requires patience, perseverance, and money. This waiting period for citizenship is a long time to commit to living with someone if you don’t love him.

Final Thoughts

I’m not saying that marrying a Filipina is a divorce-proof move. I’m also not saying that Filipinas never leave their American husbands. They certainly do in some cases, and I have met those whose marriages unfortunately ended in divorce.

But the vast majority of Filipinas I have met just want a man who will love them, provide for them, and treat them well.

As always, I would encourage you to proceed with caution if you want to find a wife in the Philippines. There are plenty of good women there, but you need to take your time and make sure to find the right one.

Filipina Dating/Marriage and Money Matters

One of my readers sent a question about his Filipina girlfriend and financial responsibilities/expectations. He is dating a young woman who works as an OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker) in another part of Asia. She gives most of what she makes to family and even friends that ask. His concern was what would be expected of him if ever he brings her to the USA (via spousal or financial visa).

I wrote about this a long time ago, but I figure this would be a good time to write a more detailed article about it. Let’s start with an introduction to Filipino families and money.

Filipino Culture and Sharing Money

Money typically flows in one direction in Western families–from older to younger. Parents raise their children, maybe put them through college, and then the kids will (hopefully) get jobs and start families of their own. Grandparents then spoil their grandchildren with gifts. It isn’t unusual these days for parents with grown children to continue giving a helping hand to them. That’s because some members of “Generation X” have ended up making less money than their parents (reversing the trend from previous decades). But even this is part of the older-to-younger money flow. There are exceptions to this, of course, but that’s the way it usually works.

It’s different in Filipino families. Parents are expected to support/raise children, but the children are often expected to contribute to the overall well being of the family once they are old enough to earn money (or once they finish college, etc.). This may mean helping siblings (or even other relatives) get through school and even sending money to make sure aged parents are taken care of. Filipinos have a sense of obligation called utang na loob–the idea is helping those who have helped you (even if it was their responsibility).

Filipinos also tend to have close ties with extended family members, and money can flow through these relationships as well. An aunt may support the studies of her nephew, and he may be expected to support his siblings once he has finished school. I think you get the idea.

This is the primary way families combat the high rate of poverty in the Philippines: they try to make sure no family member gets left behind. It’s a trait I admire, though sometimes it can be abused or cause family dysfunction (more on that later).

Learning to Compromise

Family is everything in Filipino culture, and a Filipina will want to make sure hers is doing well. You need to be aware of this and prepare to adapt to it if you want to date or marry a Filipina. But adaptation goes both ways–she will also have to adjust to your culture.

Here’s another way of putting it. You (the Westerner) need to be willing to help her family out financially. Asking her not to do this would be like asking you to disown your own children. She (the Filipina) will have to understand that your funds are limited and your primary responsibility is to your own immediate family (her and your children).

The way some couples handle this is the Filipina works and sends most of her income back to the Philippines while the (Western) husband supports the immediate family (the wife and children). This is fine if you (the husband) make enough money without her help, but keep in mind that she may not be able to work immediately if she comes to your country on a fiancée visa. And there may be circumstances in which she can’t work (has a new baby, etc.).

Advice

Here are a few suggestions for navigating this issue:

Be sure you talk to your girlfriend or fiancée about this before you get married. This sounds like common sense, but some guys see a cute, young Pinay and forget that marriage requires hard work and communication. Both of you need 100% agreement and clarity on what would be expected of you in terms of financial support to her family. This may mean sending a monthly amount or putting her sibling(s) through college. It may simply mean sending a little money for Christmas or in case of emergencies. Whatever the arrangement, be sure both of you are clear on it.

Be ready for these boundaries to be tested. Her immediate family may be fine, but it isn’t uncommon for people to come out of the woodwork and ask for money once they find out your wife has made it to the “promised land.” Distant relatives may start thinking your wife can pay their bills. I know of a Filipina who started getting money requests from old high school classmates she hasn’t heard from in years once she moved to the States. Your wife will need to be prepared to say “no.” She needs to start practicing if it isn’t part of her vocabulary.

Beware of “toxic” families. As I mentioned, the Filipino system of sharing among families is admirable. But it can be really dysfunctional in some select cases. You may encounter some families in which members feel they are entitled to part of every dollar their son/daughter (or nephew, grandchild, etc.) makes. It’s often referred to as “crab mentality”: the one family member with some form of stable income ends up getting dragged down by everyone else. This kind of family will probably make your life miserable–especially if your wife has grown up believing it is normal and doesn’t know how to have reasonable boundaries.

Money management will make or break any marriage and yours will not be the exception. Keep this advice in mind and it will go a long way towards helping you make good decisions.